Happy HalloThankMas: Let the Holidays Suck IN!

You gotta hand it to the Retail Section of the Captains of Industry, they know us all too well. Since people started abandoning Christmas and Thanksgiving, Halloween has become the commercial jackpot to flock to by these big-box, chain store and mall anchors we-shop-till-we drop at.

The Christmas season begins November 1st on WLIT in Chicago as they play Christmas music 24-7 for two months solid. I get to hear Amy Grant’s “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of THE YEEEAAAARRRR!!!!!!” until my ears bleed, if I let my mom pick the station on the RAD.

The Holidays have never been my cup of Joe. My mother no longer has the Holiday Cheer and I don’t get much uplift from the usual fair of people I meet. I get more out of watching “Charlie Brown’s Christmas” , Rudolph’s “I wanta be a dentist” cartoon and “Jack Frost” trying to score a honey, on the money, sonny than any real closeness to goodwill to my fellow undercover brotha.

I’d like it to be different. I really would.

Long time ago, Halloween was just excellent. In the late 1970’s and early 1980’s, I scored candy better than a cocaine user looking for a kilo of Columbia dancing dust. We’d go out all night till 11 PM, make two-three trips, then eat and go to a haunted house at midnight. All the fake blood you could see. Coffins and just totally weird music and everything blurred by smoke. (Not pot smoke.) Everything about the experience seemed fast.

I also remember in my first years of school I was picked as the kid to get the crap scared out of by a teacher. I’d be sent to get something in a empty room –all dark like — then bam! this teacher in a gorilla suit jump out and scare the piss literally out of me. I’d run fast as hell back to class, tell everyone a gorilla was loose and the class went out looking for him/her. It was a blast.

I know those days of fun are fin. Nothing is going to happen to me this holiday season that will stick in my mind. Not going to find love. Or a lottery jackpot. Or resolve some long-standing, but short-thrifted issue that could broaden my horizons. Sorry, that isn’t what the holidays are for.

I’ll “do the mall”, window shopping items for myself and others, hoping a movie will be worth watching, probably go to Chili’s, TGIF or some other eatery on a gift card obtained doing deliveries. It will get tiresome after a day. I’ll think about church…Only think though. And soon enough the entire thing will be over. And another year will park in the NEW EMPLOYEE parking lot of our minds.

The Twelve Days of Demented Christmas -circa late 2005
1. Holding a séance to bring back Elvis Presley from the afterlife just to ask him, “Just what kind of psychedelic drugs were you take while filming ‘Roustabout’? Because that movie sucked…Mr. Presley.”
2. Crank calling Bill Gates (AKA Santa Claus or The Incredible Software Hulk) to say, “Hey where’s my XBOX 360, punk? And why are the games $20 more… for the same fucking game!!!?”
3. Scheduling an appointment with Dr. Kevorkian for a Colostomy. During the procedure, he offers you Twizzlers, hands you Juju petals and says quite chipper, “Every time a bell rings, an asshole gets cleaned out. Time to Check out to Kott’s Berry Farm, cocksucker!!!”

4. Holding a G13 Summit Meeting with such heavyweights as the Bush sisters, the Gore daughters, Christina Aguliera, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Nichole Richie. You discuss arms proliferation while playing a mean game of Strip TWISTER. Al Gore interrupts with an Inconvienent Truth: you ain’t man enough to handle all these gorgeous, if emotionally fragile, women.

5. You and a best friend go dumpster diving in the swank neighborhoods of Aspen, Colorado looking for the best possible morsel tossed out by these fly-by-night YUPPIES. You encounter Kobe Bryant…looking for his “A” game.
6. After his long Christmas MASS, you wake The Pope abruptly from his slumber and tell him, in Latin, “Credo Elvem etiam vivere! Die dulci freure! – I believe Elvis lives! Have a nice day!

7. You climb the Empire State Building (with Naomi Watts in tow.) At the top, you scream, “Look, I’m on top of the WORLD!!!” and bungee jump off, only to realize (too late) the cord is 5 feet too long. Naomi spends several hours waiting for a helicopter ride, then flags a cab to Peter Jackson’s next film set of weirdness and Oscar ‘potential.’ Note: That’s one more woman you won’t be getting laid by….

8. You’ll make a blood pact, hammered, with Bill O’Reilly to reduce the number of KFC franchises in NYC while swapping war stories of conquest, drunkenness and lecherous behavior at The Doll House, an upscale strip club in Atlanta. O’Reilly looks at new intern(s) possibilities and ferrets out a few “video resumes” from the candidates for perusal later. Later, Bill gets picked up for soliciting sex from a tranny… You testify against the prick.

9. You attempt to rob a 7-11 at the exact moment Gary Busey and Winona Ryder decided to do the same. You bond, and become the famed trio of Pistolero Bandits: Gary Ryder Harder Trio. You rob 7-11s, Speedways and Sonics from coast to coast and never get caught.
10. You wake up Christmas Day and find yourself as a CARTOON working as Beavis on ‘Beavis and Butthead.’ You get to rehearse, “The angle of dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the meat,” while sitting in your STAR chair at Universal Studios. Everyone wants to draw you…Then you get transfered over to the Family Guy…and watch as they erase Beavis and Butthead.
11. While flying the U-2 spy plane (learner’s permit), you run into Wonder Woman and set down in Aruba. Things ensue…you get married and have 50 super strong, but super dumb kids, and Wonder Woman needs full body lypo shortly after her 350th birthday. (Fountain of Youth discovered…but skin never quite stops drooping…)

12. And finally, each Holiday, you find one profound reason to give joy and happiness and peace unto men: You like the upside of monetary gain, personal attainment of materialistic goals and overall acceptance into the milieu of your peers and inferiors. …And it sure beats the Hell out of being a Fucking Scrooge!!!
And the beat goes on to 2008….
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  • Elaine  On October 15, 2007 at 2:38 pm

    This Halloween thing is getting out of hand. Where I live people decorate their houses just as much if not more than they do for Christmas. And it’s way too soon to even think about Christmas — decorating–shopping or anything else. I am kind of a scrooge too.

  • cooper  On October 15, 2007 at 5:00 pm

    We really never celebrated it ( halloween) when I was very young because I lived Australia and I don’t remember it being that big a deal.

    Christmas just tires me out, we long ago stopped shopping.We make stuff and get together with whatever family is around to drink and eat and talk,my large extended family lives all over the world and pop in and out at will. Much different than most of my friends who shop, shop, and expect to get this or get that. I never understood it all really.

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