Milestone or Millstone?: Being 35 and hating it

Others may appreciate the passage of years (name them), but I am conscious of the fact I am shortly going to turn 35 (El fin de semana) and nothing of worth has happened in my life. For those who actually read this blog with any frequency, you know the back story.

People say, “Hey, it’s time to move ahead with your life.” or “It’s only a birthday.”

It is only just a birthday, no more special that the other 34 I’ve had. But we typically remember what other birthdays were or what we had hoped to accomplish by a milestone. Since much of our lives ( 1/3 or more is dedicated to doing something useful) has to be imparted on some endeavor that makes capital, I ask myself, ” what is it that I should be doing now?”

Since life is numbers, here are some of mine:

  • 6. Number of years it actually took me to graduate college (Counting 1 semester out of school.)
  • 2.07. My GPA upon graduation.
  • 3. Times arrested. A PI, A battery, a stalking conviction.
  • 1. Times bankrupted. (1997 – Car accident, made too little, credit cards I used to pay for a semester of school, and drinking)
  • 1997. Last time I actually dated a woman for more than 1 month.
  • 21. Years between seeing my father in Tennessee and Indiana.
  • 2001. Last time I made more than a minimum wage at a job. ($44,000 plus expenses)
  • 2000. Last time I was Happy with my life. (September.)
  • 310,000 and counting. Miles on my $400 1991 Toyota Corrolla. (The odometer broke at 298,756.) I bought it in 2004 with 222,000 on it. This after the 1993 Camry I drove (that my aunt bought in April 1999 unbeknowst to me, for me, with me making the payments until April 2001) broke down 2 months after I was arrested. Transmisssion problems on that lemon.
  • 27 months. Time spent locked up.
  • $50,000 a year. The only job offer I received on October 1, 2004. In what has to be the most discouraging turn of events in my last 4 years out. I had interviewed with a IE consulting company (EnVista – John Stitz) and beat out like 25 others for a position in their Midwest office. I was still on probation until 2005. My probation was unlike many of the scenarios you here about and to discuss it would take too long. But the long story short: Probation refused to give me clearance to travel at all in this position. A position that would have assisted my feelings, my bank account and my family, such as they are. Instead I got dragged back to court for a pony show hearing to belittle me a little more and to threaten me with prison again. SO, if I EVER hear a person say convicts don’t try or don’t make efforts to turn their fucking lives around, I got some fucking news for you. “The state doesn’t care. We are a recycleable resource for them.” They tell you that in pre-release and plenty of other scenarios. My then Probation Officer, Mr. D. Young, decided to put me off onto another one. He suddenly didn’t think/or got scared of my situation. He once had the nerve to say, “We’re not trying to cut off your hand despite your face.” Really? What did they (the State) do? They cut me off from an opportunity and that’s it.
  • 754 and counting. The number of Steroid-alleged homeruns Barry Bonds has.
  • Zero. The number of people that will respond to this…(Erin B.)and the times I have actually engaged in sexual relations. (Believe me?)
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  • Vanessa  On August 28, 2007 at 12:13 am

    I am sorry that things have been so difficult for you. Please believe me – I know how you feel. I know how it feels to feel like even God hates you (although I know that’s not true) and I know how it feels to lose everything you have, and I know how it feels to be totally betrayed by people who are “supposed” to love you. I know those feelings of discouragement. I will pray that things improve for you. I know it’s not much, but maybe knowing someone else out there understands, helps somehow.

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